Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
