I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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