you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
