Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
