and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
