she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
