mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
