I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
