Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Randomize
