I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
