Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
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i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
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In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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