Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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