It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
