see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
