now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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