Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
