Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
