I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
sarcasm needs its own font
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he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
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I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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