dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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