I cannot find my penis.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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