Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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