Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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