he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
