she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
