it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
