My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I believe in your delicious
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
