I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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