I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
