I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
