I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
