I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
