I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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