Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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