Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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