Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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