so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
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Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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