1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
3pm strippers are depressing
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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