I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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