and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
