I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
