you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
