he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We got so high we made milksteak
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
