I think i peed on brittanys purse
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
