Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
