Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
