I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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