Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
