When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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