How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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