I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
