census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
