I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
