he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
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Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
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I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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