Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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