I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
