she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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